| i'm the guy who has everything. so why am i so despondent? i want nothing more right now than to cry my eyes out and blame everyone for all the unjust things i have experienced. how selfish. so what? i'm sick of being the nice guy. its funny because not being the nice guy fails just as bad. who am i supposed to be? where am i supposed to go? why has my life been so insignificant?
you know what i miss? being in love. wow that was the best feeling in the world. waking up knowing that there is someone waiting for you....never been in love? try it... what a rush. a never ending supply of smiles as well as kisses. kisses and feelings that make you do nothing short of melt. trancing gazes and stimulating touches that make you lose yourself while the movie entertains itself... entwined and never wanting to let go.
i love how LOVE makes everything else irrelevant
i miss unforced laughter. oh how id give anything to spend a day with my friends. not friends... brothers. this was never supposed to happen... we were never supposed to be held down by distance...i still cant move.... i love you guys.
like my mother who cracks open the door to check up on me as i sleep... my birthday is creeping up on me. but its the elephant in the room that i choose to ignore. its never been this cold before...the meaning has been reduced to just another melting candle... only my breath to spare everyone else from wax flavored vanilla. ill shut my eyes and exhale to extinguish all the flames... know that i wished for you.
its not fair. its not fair. its not fair. nothing is fair.what do you care?
my heavy eyelids send me into reverie of bass solos and smiling thralls of people ive never even met. our strings vibing in unison and vocals make me more that happy. why does my mind feel the need to taunt me of the old days? i shoot a sigh of disheartenment as im smacked back into reality.
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| 40 is the new 30. 30 is the new 21. 21 is the new 13. And 13 is the new four and a half. Basically, aging has be reduced to nothing more than a numerical tag that people now days have learned only to pay attention to if buying booze, tobacco, and or lap dances. After 21 it kind of lacks importance, maybe the only other significant age being 65, then I’ll be able to my coffee and movie tickets at a discounted price. The days where society we’re to look down upon couples with a significant age difference have gone the way of mullets, disco, and cassette players. Prime example; Take Hue Hefner, 80+ year old man. Double H has a wife, not one or two, but THREE girlfriends, and countless beautiful women at his disposal. Hue has at least 50 years on all three of his girlfriends and people bow down to him as a god. If only fake breast and Viagra were as easy of a cure to aging to us as it is to Hef, the world might actually be a tolerable place to live in. the future is big breasted women and grandpa boner walking down the street hand and hand while everyone praises and applauds. Women yearn and spend everyday to defeat aging, face lifts and nose jobs. Men walk around chest out, smiles on and the sounds of little pills rattling in their pockets. We’ve obliviously stumbled into the new age, The Cosmetic Age. The age where you are no longer looked at by the length of your years, but by the size of your waist or shape of your face. The way I see it is, no body even ages anymore… we just grow uglier. As long as there are plastic surgery clinics and pharmacies, the demand for fake boobs and magical boner pills will never grow old… or in this case, ugly. Hideous isn’t the right word to use, but it’s the first one that comes to mind.
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| Her face fades just as fast as her number thats written on my palm.
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| things replace things..
days replace days...
things replace things...
while at the 'Bloc Party' i had a revalation. i really didnt know what was going on at the time. i dont know what im doing... i dont know what i want to do... the only thing that im really sure of is this. its hard to just drop something that has been apart of you for such a long time. its ironic ... she ultimately became the proverbial tool to help me bulid my bridge to get over it....
girls replace girls.
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| i Jinxed it by saying these things. it was prolly best to split.
-April 15 2008-
...it shouldn’t be this hard. It feels out of control. I should be putting this behind me. Whatever… it’s come to the point where I just want to do what my intuition tells me to… not what common sense does. Do I dare risk everything? Would there be a second chance if I did? Take a chance. No … don’t risk it. I can ask for all the advice I want. I can flip coins over and over… draw straws, throw dice, pull names from a hat, and close my eyes and point. Sure I can do all of these things to help with my decision… but deep down I know they wont influence a thing. Nothing is going to make this choice but me. I shouldn’t be greedy. I should be happy with what I already have…. But am I? Truly happy? Yes! No. sometimes… sometimes.
Eight hours later she’s still on my mind.
This feels like the only place I can vent… no need for proper grammar or overly complicated words. My vent… my sanctuary. I really don’t know what to do. What I do know tho is that I cannot wait to see her again.
Love is supposed to conquer all. Well? Where the fuck are you? Love doesn’t conquer a damn thing… its all about personal choice. You. You conquer all.
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